Thinking of Us

Feel what I feel. See what I see.
I’ll understand you and you’ll understand me.
Two different people lit by the sun.
Life’s all stress if you’re having no fun.


So it’s My quest for happiness

I´ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. And I figured out, that I´m not able to actually say I´m unhappy, but I´m not happy either. Not happy enough to live up to my own expectations. I have to admit these expectations are very high, for I want to be as happy as I was since March this year. And the six months after that, actually most of the 2010 that´s already over, have been the best time of my life. I´m not unhappy compared to what it was like last year, it´s just not as amazing as it was this year. Normal people probably would say that I set my goals too high and that it´s never going to be as great as it was, but I refuse to believe so.

"I am thrown against the sky I am raining down in pieces, I am shattering like light. Shattering Like light."
(Sometimes I think Peter Pan was wrong)

She could feel herself drifting, taken by the wind. Floating somewhere that she herself could not identify. Where she went had no meaning, life had no meaning. Life was dormant. Everything was in her mind and yet everything was outside of it. So she floated, her thoughts undisturbed, drifting away into the soft oblivion of the sky.
Something was wrong. No. Not wrong. But different. She felt like she was being held softly all around her. She was comfortable, no-longer drifting but held steady, but by what she could not discern. Slowly with her mind she explored her surroundings.
Cool and refreshing it trickled down her side, slowly until she was consumed by the desire to grow and to learn. To Explore the society that surrounded her. The trickling increased until it felt like a downpour. The feeling consumed her body and her mind, growing and growing.
And she burst. Strands of feeling shot down through her body. Her arms flung up into the air; her feet pushed into the ground. She was free in her thoughts, free in her body and yet anchored to the ground below her.

She had grown and the world was there to welcome her.

This week I tried to evaluate, why I´m not happy, and what I could do be happier.

I did so by observing myself, by thinking about these questions while I was very happy or unhappy and especially by talking to some special people.

What I found out:
1. I´ve been unhappy the last while for many reasons.
Reason 1: I´m stressed.
Reason 2: It takes up a LOT of energy to act like I´m a normal student of Year 12. It gives me headaches.
Reason 3: I can´t forget. I can´t forget about all the happy times I had and I can´t forget how painful it is to be separated from what has been an essential part of my life most of this year.
Reason 4: I still long for the past to come back. I am not over it, therefore:
Reason 5: I can´t move on. It´s the ultimate reason of why I´m unhappy.

Theoretically I could count up many more reasons for my unhappiness, including very rational ones as well as some sounding like I´ve been studying psychology lately, but they are merely unimportant. I think I remember that this was supposed to be about my feelings.

"We are the ones, we are the children. We are the ones to make a brighter day so let’s start giving."
(And we are giving. I know it.)

Everything’s wrong but you can’t fix it. I went walking alone. And then I went talking with you. And you know what? The smile I had been forcing all day fell naturally to my face.

Thank you.

2. The two happiest moments I experienced this week were:

Monday afternoon, when I was talking to a friend.

Most of it really was about being happy and about him, in that context. She was telling me of how happy I really should be, for there is someone who cares about me and who I care about. It´s nothing usual to have such a strong bond to a person, as I believe to have, and as she believes I have, and I should be really happy about it. She told me to be totally happy, because what I have is perfect, even though it´s painful.

“Aw love ): the pain is shit. but it's pain because of love. and love is perfect (:”

Talking to her made me totally happy. Because she really tried to give me strength, because it felt really good to talk to her after that long time, and because she is generally an amazing person. I haven´t smiled so much for months. 

Today when I just came home from school.

That was a moment, when I was really happy for more usual reasons. I was happy because I finally did my first English exam, and the last day of school before these holidays was finally over, after I spent three full hours writing fourteen pages. I was brought home by a nice boy, who sent me in the thirty minutes afterwards four really cute texts, and I was looking forward to picking up our new baby cats and taking them home as soon as my mum would come home.

It wasn´t a moment of deep, true happiness but it was the first time for weeks, that I thought “Life likes me”.

“Is there a hole where you soul should be? You’re losing control of it and it’s really distasteful."

(yeah, you know what comes next)

I should have slapped her in the face.
Right... I don't slap girls.

Swim swim swim
Go home little fishie
You do not belong here
And so the fish swam
But it was a very small pond
And the sharks would not let it to
The ocean

3. Talking to others about it can really help.

It´s a way of getting different opinions on the same matter. The opinions I got couldn´t have been more different from each other.

The first and most optimistic one was the argumentation described in the first one of the two happiest moments of the week.

The second one basically just was: Be content with your life. Don´t expect too much of it, cause you´re not going to get it.

The third one was, that I should just accept it all as it is. That I should stop wanting to change the way it is, so that I would be able to move on without having to forget.

The last opinion was a very different one. The person told me to change everything that makes me unhappy. To even change myself, if that´s what´s necessary. To do everything I can and must to move on, no matter what prize it costs.

I first thought that it couldn´t be true, and that there must be another way, but I have to face the facts. That person is the one with the most experience and the one who went through the most problems and who probably knows the best how I feel.

"Sometimes get so weird, I even freak myself out"

(But I don't laugh myself to sleep, I'm not that crazy)

Everyone has done some weird stuff in their lives. (No, I'm not referring to drugs) Something that has made everyone turn and stare. Something that most people won't forget. Something where people give you "that" look when they find out. But what is classified as weird?
Eating grass maybe.
Laughing at lame jokes that don't make sense.
Styling cans into your hair (wearing that meat dress took it too far. Or did it?)
Wearing shirts inside out.
Weird is when someone does something that doesn't follow the norms of society. Or when someone has an idea totally contrary to popular culture.
But you know what. It’s those Ideas that change what's popular. It’s those Ideas which make a person an individual. And it’s these weird things that make a person who they are. My advice would be to be you. Yes, at times it’s hard, but I do think it’s one of those important things. (perhaps stay away from the grass.) So many people tell us to be ourselves and yet they never explain what they mean. What does it mean? From experience I know it’s something you have to learn yourself. It can’t be taught.

Talk more.

Don´t focus on the one boy I can´t have.

There are others on this side of the world.

Accept it the way it is.

I can´t have him and that´s it.

Be happy about the way it is.

I´ve got a relationship to that person, that´s at the moment pretty much unbreakable. That is an amazing thing and I really have to keep that in my mind.

Stop longing for the past to come back.

I had my amazing time. It´s not going to happen again, no matter if I keep dreaming or come back to reality, so I should better come back to reality.

Change things if it´s possible and helpful.

Change can be really good. Even for me. And considering that one part of my life changed massively, it probably is sensible to change the rest as well, to make it fit again.

Laugh more.

I didn´t mention this before, but I really have to laugh more. I seriously haven´t laughed out loud (in the way you know I love to laugh) for weeks. WEEKS.

I´ll do my absolute best to follow these guidelines in leading my life these coming holidays and the weeks of school to come afterwards. I will mention again in the next post, how it´s working out, and if this helped me. I truly hope it will.

“My friends wonder why I call you all the time, what can I say? I don’t really feel the need to give such secrets away.”

(Yeah, it’s on my list. Should I apologize?)

You paid me the highest compliment anyone has ever paid me.
You stop me from doing stupid things.
Your smile is one of the happiest things I’ve ever seen.
And you listen.

When things change, I’ll tell you.

If you read this, and I am sure you did, please don´t think I´m unhappy because of you. You´re the most amazing person I ever met, and no matter what I write here, or what I tell myself to be able to move on and be happy, I love you. And there´s nothing in this world that I miss more than you.

P.s. We're not sure if you noticed as readers, but there is a comment section art the bottom of this blog. We'd appreciate the feedback and you don't need an account to post a comment.

Where Dreams Meet Reality

"It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'"
(When you lie in bed inventing random stuff that‘ll never happen. It always has a grain of truth.)

She's sitting in maccas surrounded by her friends. They know her well and yet she continuously surprises them. Today will be no different. Conversation at the table drifts. The guys are making sexual innuendos and the girls try to figure out what they mean. She is bored. Time could be passed better than this. And yet time is nonexistent. Time means nothing to her. Her eyes slide to the tables surrounding them. Watching. Judging. Listening. Her friends are talking about music now. She tunes back in. Someone makes a joke. They all laugh. Seconds tick by as hours. She doesn't care. She glances at the table in front of them and sees him laughing with his friends. She winces in pain. Her heart pounds. She thinks he hasn't seen her. Looking down to her bag she lifts it from the table. Her voice trembles as she tells the friend next to her that she can't stay here anymore. That she has to go somewhere else. She'll be back later. Her friends pretend not to be listening, but they hear every word. They don't understand why. As she stands the tears start rolling. Slinging her bag across her shoulder she brings her hands to wipe her eyes. She walks out the door. She doesn't look back.

He watches the exchange. His chest feels like its burning. He stands up. A look of pain and puzzlement crosses his features. Her friends notice him and call him over. They ask him if he saw her. He nods and sits down. She’s forgotten her notebook on the table. Her friends debate opening it or returning it. They argue and decide to look through. The first page. A river winding its way down a mountain. A bird singing in the trees. One friend comments that its only drawings and they are quite good. She convinces them to turn the page. They turn the page. A face is before them. They recognise their friend. She exclaims. The drawing is so true to her appearance. They turn pages and pages each of faces of the people they know. Each face with a comment. He smiles. It’s a drawing of him. Smiling. Like he is now. They turn the page. Scenes of memories appear before them. Her friends don't understand. He does. He remembers all of them. Again they turn the page. A sharp intake of breath draws their attention to the picture. It’s her face. Twisted in pain. And his face, with no expression. The picture is a question. The smile leaves his face. His mind turns to find her. But she’s gone.

It´s awkward.

She´s standing in a circle. They´re her friends, and are having their usual lunch break conversations going on. About everyday things like the girls from the parallel class they don´t like or the teacher who gave marked the last test unfairly.
But there´s one person she doesn´t dare to look at. He makes her feel uncomfortable. She is trying to figure out why, but it´s not easy. They do have a history, but don´t other people normally manage to be friends again afterwards? Isn´t it supposed to be easier? Shouldn´t she be mad and he should say sorry and after a while of being mad and hurt a little longer she shouldn forgive him and then everything would be like before?
Is it because of her that it doesn´t work out that way? She was gone so long, shouldn´t it all already forgotten?
But no, the moment she looks at him everything comes back. It all seems like it was just yesterday. What can she do? What can they do? She asks herself. Because, it can´t be going on like that forever, can it? Ignoring each other, always doing everything to prevent their eyes from meeting, and still creating an awkwardness, that every single person in a 2 metres radius can sense. No, something has to change.
She realises he´s probably just unsecure. And scared of her being mad at him. Though she should be long through that phase.
She looks around. Everybody acts like it´s all okay, but it´s not. They keep talking, about all the things she isn´t interested in. The newest news from Hollywood, the best make-up brand.
She´ll have to do the first step. There´s no other way.

She walks up to him and says Hi. One simple word saying everything. One word, suddenly vanishing all the awkwardness that poisoned the air around them. Everyone can feel it, though no one notices.

One word, the beginning of a long way to restore a friendship.

That night she sits in her bed and thinks about why he makes her feel so uncomfortable. Now she knows it. Because he was a walking post-it saying: YOU ARE SO STUPID, which was visible only to her, but no one else. Except for maybe himself. As far as she can say from how she knows him (which is very, very good), seeing her probably has the exact same effect on him. At least that makes her feel a little bit better.

"I'm tugging at my hair, I'm pulling at my clothes, I'm trying to keep my cool, and I know it shows."
(He knows exactly what to say. I wouldn't bother. *grins* Most girls don’t realise how obvious they’re being.)

I am, yes, writing about someone. My peers reaction to this person is most fascinating. One night not so long ago we were all sitting in a circle discussing traits in people that we find attractive. As teens (for any adults reading) this topic at times can become intensely engaging. Especially when both sexes are included in the conversation. I know for a fact that every single person sitting in the circle was paying attention. Who wouldn't? So first, we talked about personality traits. Pick your top trait and tell the group . We went round the circle and the typical traits such as caring, loyal and has a good sense of humour all turned up. Yes, he knew what to say to keep the conversation rolling. Whether he was interested or not was arbitrary.

The next topic was physical traits, and I quote "none of this crap about personality, what is it about the body?" Every single person was paying attention. And this is how the conversation progressed. Everyone in the circle said their top three physical traits and maybe blushed as they tried to explain. Everyone wanted to have their say, and yet no one wanted to actually speak. At the end of the round, he says something really amusing: "I don't know if it’s just me noticing this, but it seems everything you girls said was against me".

Now... Why might that be? Why might a bunch of girls while talking about what they like in a guy say things that have nothing to do with the guys also part of the group? Even more confusing, why would they say the complete opposite of the guy’s traits? I wonder. Maybe it’s because:

The girls don't want him to think they find him attractive.

And he knows it.


A silly one and a cute one.
One to make you laugh,
and one to make you cry.

She´s dreaming.

She stands in the middle of a meadow, the air embracing her, filling her nose with the wonderful smell of the nature. It reminds her of the bush, and with that of many beautiful memories. But then it changes, she can sense someone. Very close, but not visible yet. She turns around and there he is . He looks at her and smiles. Just smiles. Smiles this beautiful smile, that makes every single worry disappear. She slowly starts mocing into his direction, not being able to believe what she sees. But the moment she wants to touch him, put her slim, little hand on his chest, he disappears. Everything turns black.

Of course she´s waking up, like she always does.
Of course it´s just a dream.
Of course there´s nothing she can do about it.

She has been gone for a long time, it feels like years.

What can she do?
                                                -Nothing but try to move on, and keep her precious memories.


What should she do?
                                   -Forget about it, find someone new, and lock away her memories.


What does she want to do?
                       -Keep dreaming and hope to see him again one day.

What will she do?

No one knows.

"Through the window in her eyes, I saw a fire in her soul."

(It’s back where it belongs. With me.)

What is defined as the abscence of happiness?

Emptiness? Sadness? Pain?

There's a weight on my chest

Which I cannot remove

I'm not out of my mind,

My mind is out of my body.

I know where it is.

Its with them

Unfortunatly

And I can't bring it back

Unless they're with me.

Unless I take it by force

And I couldn't do that.

Maybe its not my mind I‘m talking about

Maybe its my heart

My chest with one heart missing

I can't use my mind

Anymore

At all

I try

But its filled with the Empty, Sad, Painful feelings.

I want it to come back

But its with them

They become my heart

And I can't take it anymore

Because I of all people

Cannot live

Without a heart.

The main goal: to be happy.

The chosen way to achieve it: to keep the memories , but to do anything to stop wishing back another part of her life, that is already over. And to ´be a social butterfly´. To find new people, maybe a new boy to make her happy. If that´s even possible.

It doesn´t seem to be.

But he isn´t that great, is he? Is he worth all the sorrow?

Yes, he is. He just doesn´t know it. It took her a long time to realise it herself.

People say knowing your problem is the first step to solve it. I don´t see, how she´s gonna solve her problem.

People say time heals all wounds. I don´t see how she´ll miss him any less with the time passing.

I guess that´s why I don´t think very high of sayings. Very often they´re not too true.

 She´ll have to find a new hobby:

Chasing happiness

(with a wooden spoon)

Chasing happiness is hard, but it makes you feel better. There are so many ways to do so, to catch what you need to be personally happy.

Have you ever heard of ´Hedonism´? It´s a way of leading your life, coming from the ancient greek philosophy. It describes living after the lust-principle. Means, just always only doing, what you want to do. Enjoying life as much as possible. Just to show, how many ways there are to be happy. Though I personally don´t believe it´s the right one. Neither for her, nor for myself.

Just do whatever you can in order to be happy. Don´t make it the most important thing, and don´t loose the goals you have because you have to work for them, but be happy. It´s important. Seriously, I know. After a phase of being really unhappy, I am determined to what I can to stop that. I have to be happy.

Sometimes you just have to go.
There´s never the right place or time to say goodbye.
Saying goodbye replaces fear with sadness
I dont know which is better, but I dont have the choice. I never had.
Just have to make the best out of it.
Turn the sadness into new energy.
Learn from you experiences.
And never, ever forget.

Don't be sad because it ended, be happy because it happened.

“Smiling is infectious,

You can catch it like the flu.

Someone smiled at me today,

And I started smiling too.”

(Smiling is reflex, and it makes me happy.)

A few quotes to explain just how useful a smile is. Try it one day. See how it makes you feel. It’s one of the most important things. Smiling is the first step to love. It creates friendship, hope and a sense of belonging. So smile. Even if it’s the only thing you do.

Everyone smiles in the same language. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.  Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over. I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful. A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you're at home. It takes seventeen muscles to smile and forty-three to frown.
Smile.

Something (…) missing

One word saying everything.
One word cutting everything that wants to be said down to the most basic things.
I´m here. I remember you. I miss you.

A very powerful and personal word.
The answer to that one word.
Understanding. Sending back only the most important things to be said.
I´m here too. I remember you too. I miss you too.

Two words.
More comforting than a whole conversation.

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.

Life Conversations

English

As in the language.
As in the subject.
As in the common interest.
As in the the most productive time of the week.

English as the common theme.

In english class never happened anything. Nothing at all. Nothing interesting or changing or important or exciting or funny. At least not outside our heads. English class was a place of thoughts, of ideas and of creativity. Nothing important for our lives happened there, but everything we did was decided in there. Every single weekend was re-told, analysed and discussed there. Every inspiring idea came, every important decision was made. I believe the other half of this blog is still being written in english class.

Everything we did was decided in there.


"English is a common theme, that much is obvious"
(It’d be easier if life had a common theme, but as you would say, that would make life boring)

I'm not just talking about the language in which this is written, but rather referring to the phrase "old habits die hard". Sitting in class about six weeks since our last English lesson and I realised that I've become quite good at putting the teacher in the background while the majority of my attention focuses on the laptop in front of me. What do I write? I sit and remember with clarity the various lessons when we would lounge here in front of the desk discussing our weekends, our friends, and slowly as the week progressed, discussing things of deeper meaning. Life conversations. Maintaining this connection, I have sectioned this time off for jotting down content for The Winterburg Blog (well when I don’t have to pay attention). It’s a good idea considering the casual conversation surrounding me; discussing the subplots of To Kill a Mockingbird.
As I said before: Old habits die hard.

The only other activity apart from trying to blend out what Ms Trimble is trying to get the class to remember, that had a more inspirating influence on us was catching a bus. Sadly that happened not more often than every wednesday fortnight after tennis, but when we were sitting there in this overfilled bus full of sweaty girls our conversation took us into another world. A world created by the thoughts of two teenage girls in one of their creative phases. And this world is the reason why we are so good friends, and more importantly it is the reason why I´m sitting here writing.

When we were sitting there in this overfilled bus full of sweaty girls our conversation took us into another world.

This blog is a try to keep this world, over a distance of (look up the correct distance between my and your adress). By writing about it, and through that, having things to talk about; to keep up the wonderful thoughtful conversations we used to have. To keep the core of our friendship living.

Of course there are other reasons as well. For example to share our ideas with other people, to keep practising my english, to explore a new way of self-expressement in the world wide web (one that´s not as... unindividual as facebook) and to practicise our only common hobby together.

"I used to think I was the only one who thought life"
(The explanation of a collection)

The wide world of blogging had never really occurred to me as a way to express myself, ourselves, and now looking back I should have had this idea far earlier. Of course it doesn't help if none of my friends is interested in blogging (tumblr not included). That's the beauty of it though; blogging has its own little world. And this little world is filled with teens and adults alike trying to express their feelings, observations and contemplations about themselves and society, trying to find someone who can understand them.

To keep the core of our friendship living.

The idea of writing a blog to keep in touch came us on the last period of my last schoolday at my host school. The maths teacher was talking in the background (which we didn´t really notice, because our ears are trained from english class to just overhear all background noises including the teachers voice) when we had the idea. It was all we needed, already five minutes later we had a whole piece of paper scribbled full of ideas about what to do, how to do it and so many other awesome ideas.

"May I ask Why?"
('Cause everything has a reason)

Imagine the view in front of you rippling and fading into a remembered image. It’s a maths classroom and the teacher is sitting at the front desk pouring over the test papers in front of her. Students are talking, giggling and in general, not paying attention. Towards the back of the room two students have their heads bent over a piece of grid paper.
"We need to do something, to keep in touch after you leave."
"But what?"
A few moments of silence fall over the pair.
"I KNOW!! We can write a blog."
And so the idea was created. The two students each pulled out pens and started scribbling over the piece of paper. Ideas, words, key points quickly filled the page. The fruit of this newly grown tree? A title, The Winterburg Blog. In reference to itself, I believe this should be included.

As time went by more and more reasons presented themselves as to why the blog should go ahead. My father asked me "Why write a blog?" I explained: "This blog is a way for us to keep in touch and collaborate our ideas and discuss our contemplations, while sharing them with any peers who are interested."

This text is like a leftover of another world. A world that is one the edge between going under and existing further. Not really, but it sounds so good. (Hahaha Classic)

Even though we have the best reasons to do this, I´m still very conscious about the riskiness of this project. It´s a way of expressing ourselves, myself, but with that there are always doubts coming along. You find the courage to say the truth, to stay honest and write what you really think, but by doing that it makes you so vulnerable. I´m not a person who gives much on the opinion of others, but I´d be lying if I said I don´t care about it at all. And I am a person who never lies. So I am setting myself the goal to write what I think and not what (nonexistant-) readers might like or think. I don´t know if that´s gonna work. I am alerady not as confident about the whole thing as I normally am about most other things, and that means something. Yes, I am nervous and I am afraid. Afraid people will laugh at me for this. But I guess I´ll have to take the risk. Just give it a try, or I´ll never find out if it´s the right thing.

“And it’s ok for you to care, Cos I'm not going anywhere
And while you wonder, If you should let me in
I only wanted to begin”
(and the lyrics return)

I had wondered if this was the best decision to make, that is, to write some kind of blog. I started thinking hard about what I wanted to say and I noticed that this was the first time I’d really be writing a lot for other people to see. I realised that this is not the way I should go about it. I had to remind myself to write what I think and not be influenced by the way I want others to see me. And yet while thinking about it, I come to the conclusion that blogging is an expression of self, and really I can choose to portray me however I like. 

Will it be a fail? That is in essence a very logical question to ask. I don’t believe it will be a fail. So long as we believe in what we’re writing it doesn’t matter what people think.

I´m not a person who gives much on the opinion of others, but I´d be lying if I said I don´t care about it at all.

"I realised that blogging could be what I need to prevent myself from going crazy. I don’t know if it’s the right thing and I don’t even know if I’m good at it, but maybe I should give it a try. And I should ask somebody if trying not to go crazy is reason enough to try." (That´d be you)

At least I can be sure I´m not writing anything wrong, because in our world what we think counts. The Winterburg Blog is a door into our world. Like the tiny little door Alice goes through in Alice in wonderland. (funny cause it´s Alice and me who our world belongs to)

So, if you´re interested, come in. You´ll be welcome.

So, if you´re interested, come in. You´ll be welcome. We don´t have a mad hatter and exciting fights between good and bad, but I´m sure we can offer a metaphorical tea party and lively exchange of interesting thoughts. And if you think different to us, that´s great. We´re gonna have fun, because we´re cool that way.
So welcome. Welcome to the Winterburg. The collaboration (and documentation) of the contemplations and observations on human nature and its society.

"They say great minds think alike, but they don't, because that would be boring. Diversity makes life interesting" So please tell us what you think.