I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'"
(When you lie in bed inventing random stuff that‘ll never happen. It always has a grain of truth.)
She's sitting in maccas surrounded by her friends. They know her well and yet she continuously surprises them. Today will be no different. Conversation at the table drifts. The guys are making sexual innuendos and the girls try to figure out what they mean. She is bored. Time could be passed better than this. And yet time is nonexistent. Time means nothing to her. Her eyes slide to the tables surrounding them. Watching. Judging. Listening. Her friends are talking about music now. She tunes back in. Someone makes a joke. They all laugh. Seconds tick by as hours. She doesn't care. She glances at the table in front of them and sees him laughing with his friends. She winces in pain. Her heart pounds. She thinks he hasn't seen her. Looking down to her bag she lifts it from the table. Her voice trembles as she tells the friend next to her that she can't stay here anymore. That she has to go somewhere else. She'll be back later. Her friends pretend not to be listening, but they hear every word. They don't understand why. As she stands the tears start rolling. Slinging her bag across her shoulder she brings her hands to wipe her eyes. She walks out the door. She doesn't look back.
He watches the exchange. His chest feels like its burning. He stands up. A look of pain and puzzlement crosses his features. Her friends notice him and call him over. They ask him if he saw her. He nods and sits down. She’s forgotten her notebook on the table. Her friends debate opening it or returning it. They argue and decide to look through. The first page. A river winding its way down a mountain. A bird singing in the trees. One friend comments that its only drawings and they are quite good. She convinces them to turn the page. They turn the page. A face is before them. They recognise their friend. She exclaims. The drawing is so true to her appearance. They turn pages and pages each of faces of the people they know. Each face with a comment. He smiles. It’s a drawing of him. Smiling. Like he is now. They turn the page. Scenes of memories appear before them. Her friends don't understand. He does. He remembers all of them. Again they turn the page. A sharp intake of breath draws their attention to the picture. It’s her face. Twisted in pain. And his face, with no expression. The picture is a question. The smile leaves his face. His mind turns to find her. But she’s gone.
It´s awkward.
She´s standing in a circle. They´re her friends, and are having their usual lunch break conversations going on. About everyday things like the girls from the parallel class they don´t like or the teacher who gave marked the last test unfairly.
But there´s one person she doesn´t dare to look at. He makes her feel uncomfortable. She is trying to figure out why, but it´s not easy. They do have a history, but don´t other people normally manage to be friends again afterwards? Isn´t it supposed to be easier? Shouldn´t she be mad and he should say sorry and after a while of being mad and hurt a little longer she shouldn forgive him and then everything would be like before?
Is it because of her that it doesn´t work out that way? She was gone so long, shouldn´t it all already forgotten?
But no, the moment she looks at him everything comes back. It all seems like it was just yesterday. What can she do? What can they do? She asks herself. Because, it can´t be going on like that forever, can it? Ignoring each other, always doing everything to prevent their eyes from meeting, and still creating an awkwardness, that every single person in a 2 metres radius can sense. No, something has to change.
She realises he´s probably just unsecure. And scared of her being mad at him. Though she should be long through that phase.
She looks around. Everybody acts like it´s all okay, but it´s not. They keep talking, about all the things she isn´t interested in. The newest news from Hollywood, the best make-up brand.
She´ll have to do the first step. There´s no other way.
She walks up to him and says Hi. One simple word saying everything. One word, suddenly vanishing all the awkwardness that poisoned the air around them. Everyone can feel it, though no one notices.
One word, the beginning of a long way to restore a friendship.
That night she sits in her bed and thinks about why he makes her feel so uncomfortable. Now she knows it. Because he was a walking post-it saying: YOU ARE SO STUPID, which was visible only to her, but no one else. Except for maybe himself. As far as she can say from how she knows him (which is very, very good), seeing her probably has the exact same effect on him. At least that makes her feel a little bit better.
"I'm tugging at my hair, I'm pulling at my clothes, I'm trying to keep my cool, and I know it shows."
(He knows exactly what to say. I wouldn't bother. *grins* Most girls don’t realise how obvious they’re being.)
I am, yes, writing about someone. My peers reaction to this person is most fascinating. One night not so long ago we were all sitting in a circle discussing traits in people that we find attractive. As teens (for any adults reading) this topic at times can become intensely engaging. Especially when both sexes are included in the conversation. I know for a fact that every single person sitting in the circle was paying attention. Who wouldn't? So first, we talked about personality traits. Pick your top trait and tell the group . We went round the circle and the typical traits such as caring, loyal and has a good sense of humour all turned up. Yes, he knew what to say to keep the conversation rolling. Whether he was interested or not was arbitrary.
The next topic was physical traits, and I quote "none of this crap about personality, what is it about the body?" Every single person was paying attention. And this is how the conversation progressed. Everyone in the circle said their top three physical traits and maybe blushed as they tried to explain. Everyone wanted to have their say, and yet no one wanted to actually speak. At the end of the round, he says something really amusing: "I don't know if it’s just me noticing this, but it seems everything you girls said was against me".
Now... Why might that be? Why might a bunch of girls while talking about what they like in a guy say things that have nothing to do with the guys also part of the group? Even more confusing, why would they say the complete opposite of the guy’s traits? I wonder. Maybe it’s because:
The girls don't want him to think they find him attractive.
And he knows it.
A silly one and a cute one.
One to make you laugh,
and one to make you cry.
She´s dreaming.
She stands in the middle of a meadow, the air embracing her, filling her nose with the wonderful smell of the nature. It reminds her of the bush, and with that of many beautiful memories. But then it changes, she can sense someone. Very close, but not visible yet. She turns around and there he is . He looks at her and smiles. Just smiles. Smiles this beautiful smile, that makes every single worry disappear. She slowly starts mocing into his direction, not being able to believe what she sees. But the moment she wants to touch him, put her slim, little hand on his chest, he disappears. Everything turns black.
Of course she´s waking up, like she always does.
Of course it´s just a dream.
Of course there´s nothing she can do about it.
She has been gone for a long time, it feels like years.
What can she do?
-Nothing but try to move on, and keep her precious memories.
What should she do?
-Forget about it, find someone new, and lock away her memories.
What does she want to do?
-Keep dreaming and hope to see him again one day.
What will she do?
No one knows.
"Through the window in her eyes, I saw a fire in her soul."
(It’s back where it belongs. With me.)
What is defined as the abscence of happiness?
Emptiness? Sadness? Pain?
There's a weight on my chest
Which I cannot remove
I'm not out of my mind,
My mind is out of my body.
I know where it is.
Its with them
Unfortunatly
And I can't bring it back
Unless they're with me.
Unless I take it by force
And I couldn't do that.
Maybe its not my mind I‘m talking about
Maybe its my heart
My chest with one heart missing
I can't use my mind
Anymore
At all
I try
But its filled with the Empty, Sad, Painful feelings.
I want it to come back
But its with them
They become my heart
And I can't take it anymore
Because I of all people
Cannot live
Without a heart.
The main goal: to be happy.
The chosen way to achieve it: to keep the memories , but to do anything to stop wishing back another part of her life, that is already over. And to ´be a social butterfly´. To find new people, maybe a new boy to make her happy. If that´s even possible.
It doesn´t seem to be.
But he isn´t that great, is he? Is he worth all the sorrow?
Yes, he is. He just doesn´t know it. It took her a long time to realise it herself.
People say knowing your problem is the first step to solve it. I don´t see, how she´s gonna solve her problem.
People say time heals all wounds. I don´t see how she´ll miss him any less with the time passing.I guess that´s why I don´t think very high of sayings. Very often they´re not too true.
She´ll have to find a new hobby:
Chasing happiness
(with a wooden spoon)
Chasing happiness is hard, but it makes you feel better. There are so many ways to do so, to catch what you need to be personally happy.
Have you ever heard of ´Hedonism´? It´s a way of leading your life, coming from the ancient greek philosophy. It describes living after the lust-principle. Means, just always only doing, what you want to do. Enjoying life as much as possible. Just to show, how many ways there are to be happy. Though I personally don´t believe it´s the right one. Neither for her, nor for myself.
Just do whatever you can in order to be happy. Don´t make it the most important thing, and don´t loose the goals you have because you have to work for them, but be happy. It´s important. Seriously, I know. After a phase of being really unhappy, I am determined to what I can to stop that. I have to be happy.
There´s never the right place or time to say goodbye.
Saying goodbye replaces fear with sadness
I dont know which is better, but I dont have the choice. I never had.
Just have to make the best out of it.
Turn the sadness into new energy.
Learn from you experiences.
And never, ever forget.
Don't be sad because it ended, be happy because it happened.
“Smiling is infectious,
You can catch it like the flu.
Someone smiled at me today,
And I started smiling too.”
(Smiling is reflex, and it makes me happy.)
A few quotes to explain just how useful a smile is. Try it one day. See how it makes you feel. It’s one of the most important things. Smiling is the first step to love. It creates friendship, hope and a sense of belonging. So smile. Even if it’s the only thing you do.
Everyone smiles in the same language. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over. I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful. A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you're at home. It takes seventeen muscles to smile and forty-three to frown.
Smile.
Smile.
Something (…) missing
One word saying everything.
One word cutting everything that wants to be said down to the most basic things.
I´m here. I remember you. I miss you.
A very powerful and personal word.
The answer to that one word.
Understanding. Sending back only the most important things to be said.
I´m here too. I remember you too. I miss you too.
Two words.
More comforting than a whole conversation.
Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.
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