Thinking of Us

Feel what I feel. See what I see.
I’ll understand you and you’ll understand me.
Two different people lit by the sun.
Life’s all stress if you’re having no fun.


So it’s My quest for happiness

I´ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. And I figured out, that I´m not able to actually say I´m unhappy, but I´m not happy either. Not happy enough to live up to my own expectations. I have to admit these expectations are very high, for I want to be as happy as I was since March this year. And the six months after that, actually most of the 2010 that´s already over, have been the best time of my life. I´m not unhappy compared to what it was like last year, it´s just not as amazing as it was this year. Normal people probably would say that I set my goals too high and that it´s never going to be as great as it was, but I refuse to believe so.

"I am thrown against the sky I am raining down in pieces, I am shattering like light. Shattering Like light."
(Sometimes I think Peter Pan was wrong)

She could feel herself drifting, taken by the wind. Floating somewhere that she herself could not identify. Where she went had no meaning, life had no meaning. Life was dormant. Everything was in her mind and yet everything was outside of it. So she floated, her thoughts undisturbed, drifting away into the soft oblivion of the sky.
Something was wrong. No. Not wrong. But different. She felt like she was being held softly all around her. She was comfortable, no-longer drifting but held steady, but by what she could not discern. Slowly with her mind she explored her surroundings.
Cool and refreshing it trickled down her side, slowly until she was consumed by the desire to grow and to learn. To Explore the society that surrounded her. The trickling increased until it felt like a downpour. The feeling consumed her body and her mind, growing and growing.
And she burst. Strands of feeling shot down through her body. Her arms flung up into the air; her feet pushed into the ground. She was free in her thoughts, free in her body and yet anchored to the ground below her.

She had grown and the world was there to welcome her.

This week I tried to evaluate, why I´m not happy, and what I could do be happier.

I did so by observing myself, by thinking about these questions while I was very happy or unhappy and especially by talking to some special people.

What I found out:
1. I´ve been unhappy the last while for many reasons.
Reason 1: I´m stressed.
Reason 2: It takes up a LOT of energy to act like I´m a normal student of Year 12. It gives me headaches.
Reason 3: I can´t forget. I can´t forget about all the happy times I had and I can´t forget how painful it is to be separated from what has been an essential part of my life most of this year.
Reason 4: I still long for the past to come back. I am not over it, therefore:
Reason 5: I can´t move on. It´s the ultimate reason of why I´m unhappy.

Theoretically I could count up many more reasons for my unhappiness, including very rational ones as well as some sounding like I´ve been studying psychology lately, but they are merely unimportant. I think I remember that this was supposed to be about my feelings.

"We are the ones, we are the children. We are the ones to make a brighter day so let’s start giving."
(And we are giving. I know it.)

Everything’s wrong but you can’t fix it. I went walking alone. And then I went talking with you. And you know what? The smile I had been forcing all day fell naturally to my face.

Thank you.

2. The two happiest moments I experienced this week were:

Monday afternoon, when I was talking to a friend.

Most of it really was about being happy and about him, in that context. She was telling me of how happy I really should be, for there is someone who cares about me and who I care about. It´s nothing usual to have such a strong bond to a person, as I believe to have, and as she believes I have, and I should be really happy about it. She told me to be totally happy, because what I have is perfect, even though it´s painful.

“Aw love ): the pain is shit. but it's pain because of love. and love is perfect (:”

Talking to her made me totally happy. Because she really tried to give me strength, because it felt really good to talk to her after that long time, and because she is generally an amazing person. I haven´t smiled so much for months. 

Today when I just came home from school.

That was a moment, when I was really happy for more usual reasons. I was happy because I finally did my first English exam, and the last day of school before these holidays was finally over, after I spent three full hours writing fourteen pages. I was brought home by a nice boy, who sent me in the thirty minutes afterwards four really cute texts, and I was looking forward to picking up our new baby cats and taking them home as soon as my mum would come home.

It wasn´t a moment of deep, true happiness but it was the first time for weeks, that I thought “Life likes me”.

“Is there a hole where you soul should be? You’re losing control of it and it’s really distasteful."

(yeah, you know what comes next)

I should have slapped her in the face.
Right... I don't slap girls.

Swim swim swim
Go home little fishie
You do not belong here
And so the fish swam
But it was a very small pond
And the sharks would not let it to
The ocean

3. Talking to others about it can really help.

It´s a way of getting different opinions on the same matter. The opinions I got couldn´t have been more different from each other.

The first and most optimistic one was the argumentation described in the first one of the two happiest moments of the week.

The second one basically just was: Be content with your life. Don´t expect too much of it, cause you´re not going to get it.

The third one was, that I should just accept it all as it is. That I should stop wanting to change the way it is, so that I would be able to move on without having to forget.

The last opinion was a very different one. The person told me to change everything that makes me unhappy. To even change myself, if that´s what´s necessary. To do everything I can and must to move on, no matter what prize it costs.

I first thought that it couldn´t be true, and that there must be another way, but I have to face the facts. That person is the one with the most experience and the one who went through the most problems and who probably knows the best how I feel.

"Sometimes get so weird, I even freak myself out"

(But I don't laugh myself to sleep, I'm not that crazy)

Everyone has done some weird stuff in their lives. (No, I'm not referring to drugs) Something that has made everyone turn and stare. Something that most people won't forget. Something where people give you "that" look when they find out. But what is classified as weird?
Eating grass maybe.
Laughing at lame jokes that don't make sense.
Styling cans into your hair (wearing that meat dress took it too far. Or did it?)
Wearing shirts inside out.
Weird is when someone does something that doesn't follow the norms of society. Or when someone has an idea totally contrary to popular culture.
But you know what. It’s those Ideas that change what's popular. It’s those Ideas which make a person an individual. And it’s these weird things that make a person who they are. My advice would be to be you. Yes, at times it’s hard, but I do think it’s one of those important things. (perhaps stay away from the grass.) So many people tell us to be ourselves and yet they never explain what they mean. What does it mean? From experience I know it’s something you have to learn yourself. It can’t be taught.

Talk more.

Don´t focus on the one boy I can´t have.

There are others on this side of the world.

Accept it the way it is.

I can´t have him and that´s it.

Be happy about the way it is.

I´ve got a relationship to that person, that´s at the moment pretty much unbreakable. That is an amazing thing and I really have to keep that in my mind.

Stop longing for the past to come back.

I had my amazing time. It´s not going to happen again, no matter if I keep dreaming or come back to reality, so I should better come back to reality.

Change things if it´s possible and helpful.

Change can be really good. Even for me. And considering that one part of my life changed massively, it probably is sensible to change the rest as well, to make it fit again.

Laugh more.

I didn´t mention this before, but I really have to laugh more. I seriously haven´t laughed out loud (in the way you know I love to laugh) for weeks. WEEKS.

I´ll do my absolute best to follow these guidelines in leading my life these coming holidays and the weeks of school to come afterwards. I will mention again in the next post, how it´s working out, and if this helped me. I truly hope it will.

“My friends wonder why I call you all the time, what can I say? I don’t really feel the need to give such secrets away.”

(Yeah, it’s on my list. Should I apologize?)

You paid me the highest compliment anyone has ever paid me.
You stop me from doing stupid things.
Your smile is one of the happiest things I’ve ever seen.
And you listen.

When things change, I’ll tell you.

If you read this, and I am sure you did, please don´t think I´m unhappy because of you. You´re the most amazing person I ever met, and no matter what I write here, or what I tell myself to be able to move on and be happy, I love you. And there´s nothing in this world that I miss more than you.

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